My word is my bond

I am sitting here in my towel staring at my computer wondering how I am going to make it into Boston in negative 3 minutes for a meeting I am supposed to be attending. It's not going to happen. I can't believe I just typed that sentence out. Really? Why can't you make it? Like I can manufacture time. I can manufacture farts, but that doesn't make me special. What makes me special is my unique scent. I happen to love it, but others aren't big fans. Well, Opie is and I think if he could high-five me he would. Now that I think about it he can give paw so I don't know what his problem is the selfish fuck.

I am operating on a remedial fourth grader's level right now so please forgive me. We're pitching a big client and I've been working around the clock.

I certainly won't make my 9am meeting, and I might be late for my 10:30. Not because it will take me 87 minutes to get in town (it has before) but because I operate under the principal that if you are going to be late, make it count.

It all started back in middle school. I lived 3 minutes from my school. In fact, you can see the school from my front steps and there is no reason why I should have been late. Ever. But I was because I am an idiot. I remember sprinting to school and arriving to the front office out of breath explaining to the vice-principle that I was late. He would give me a detention and write out a hall pass. It didn't matter if I was 30 seconds late or 15 minutes late. Either way I was getting a detention. So where's the incentive? No need to start the day off with a frantic rush. You never recover from those mornings. Instead, a pleasant leisurely stroll is more appropriate.

One morning, I was sitting on my couch eating a bowl of Fruit Loops and flipping through the channels when I came across the best movie ever made—Remo Williams.


It was before cable had the scrolling menu bar, but I knew the movie had just started because I had seen it more than 30 times. I poured myself another bowl if Fruit Loops and kicked back and watched the entire movie. Afterward, I sauntered down to school. Stopped into the front office. Filled out the proper forms. Collected my detention and made my way to Algebra.

Not a bad day. So for anyone interested in unlocking the warrior within I give you this mandatory screening:

Even Chiun had his guilty pleasures.